World Of Quicksand: Tweet Tweet, Tweet Tweet, Yeah!

Twitter is a right pain in the arse. Here I was, all geared up to make this blog the premier vent for my all my hot air, when along comes something that’s even more convenient to use than the Spar at the end of my road (but without the exorbitant pricing or gangs of pissed teenagers hanging around outside). I’m now going to share my thoughts on Twitter as a lame attempt to get back into the blogging equivalent of doing a proper weekly shop – I’ve found myself nipping down the road for a wallet-bothering pack of beer far too often of late.

...so dear, so Spar

I remember investigating Twitter quite a while ago after reading some article or other in the paper. I’d concluded it was far too geeky for me, what with the strange conventions, odd slang (in the main, “twitter” merged with normal words to form really twatty portmanteaus, or “twortmanteaus”, if you will), and the fact you were expected to follow that wanker Jonathan Ross – it all seemed a bit too much of a concerted effort; too contrived for a grumpy bastard like me.

So why on earth did I join up then? Curiosity, mainly, but probably also down to the fact I’m usually an early adopter as far as the internet goes. I like to get in on these fads early - mainly so I can sound all smug down the pub when everybody else is talking about them some time later. I only knew one person who already used Twitter, much like I only knew one person who used Facebook, Myspace and Audioscrobbler (now last.fm) when I joined those, so I thought I’d best see what all the fuss was about before all the mere mortals cottoned on. Did I mention I remember The Stone Roses when they were a goth band?

So what’s in Twitter for the casual grumpy bastard? Where does one start – I’ve discovered the whole thing is the perfect platform for the endless moaner. As long as you’ve got a connection to the web and a compatible device, you can vent your spleen in the knowledge other grumpy bastards will read what you’ve written and nod their heads in agreement. You’ll never really know if they do, but presuming is good enough sometimes. It’s not a proper replacement for being able to burden your loved ones with your miserablist opinions, but in the absence of that, it acts as a handy punch bag.

The fact your tweets are limited by the number of characters is a stroke of genius. I’ve always been a firm believer that in some cases, a shackle can focus ones creativity more effectively than complete freedom, like taking photos in monochrome, or writing in haikus, for example. The character limit in Twitter has a similar effect - sing 140 characters to effectively convey what would normally take 1400 is a art form, and one that is worth adopting. Maybe I haven’t mastered it sufficiently, looking at the length of what was meant to be a quick post here.

The oddest feature of Twitter to me is the sheer volume of people who don’t see the appeal. The rate of attrition is startling, even amongst my friends. I compare it to growing a beard - my friend has never grown a beard, because they can’t be doing with the constant itching. A new beard will itch, but after a while, it stops – you just have to get over that itchy period. Twitter is the same – once the itchy period is over, it all makes sense. You need people following you, and unfortunately that takes work. It’s amazing how much you’re more inclined to tweet when you know there are people reading it.

So how do you get people following you? Don’t be too narcissistic, at least not at first. Apart from your friends, people aren’t really interested in what you’re having for lunch. State your opinion on things other people are interested in. People search for topics on Twitter, and seeing your insightful or amusing opinion will make them check out your stream. If they like the cut of your jib, they’ll start following you; they may even reply to your tweet. Try it yourself – see what catches your eye, that’ll give you a good idea of how it works. When something does, follow that person, reply to their tweets, check out the streams of their other followers and the people they follow.

Once you have a posse of people to follow, and a posse of people to follow you, it’ll all start to fall into place. The itchy period will have ceased, and you’ll be tweeting like a bearded tit (the bird, not Russell Brand). My friend is going to try the beard thing again, and this time she’s not going to wimp out at the itching stage!